josh and i are over...for good...
i went to see him with ashlee...and i wish i hadnt...
just the way he looked at me...like he was looking at a wall or something...there was no emotion in his eyes at all...
i hurt so bad...
how can you love someone one day and not the next?? i dont get where this came from...its like i never really knew him...
we showed up and his car was at his school...ashlee looked and saw that the "bling" i gave him a few months ago was still hanging on his mirror...which i saw as a good sign...anyways...i figured he was still at football, but it was like 7ish...so we drove down to the field and no one was there...so we parked in the lot a few cars down from his and waited...l-towns bus was there so we figured that they had a volleyball game...
i saw terrance driving with some guys so i like called him over...they pulled up beside us and i asked him to go in to get him...he asked why and i said that i needed to talk to him and he asked about what and i was like just please go get him...he kept on being an ass and was like no...i think i know who hes with, but i dont wanna tell you who i think it is...matt was in the backseat and was like terrance just go get him...dont be an ass...shut up and go in there...stuff like that...then he was going to but hes like im not wearing a shirt and so matt was like here take mine and matt literally gave him the shirt off his back...it was really sweet...
so terrance went in or whatever and came back like 5 minutes later and was like okay, hes coming...and then hes like so whatre you gunna give me...and i was like just shut up terrance...and hes like i think thats him coming with the "posse"...
so josh comes into view and he leans in ashlees window and is like yesss...i was like i need to talk to you and he just looked at me...so i got out and like he walked over to the back of my car and was like what...and i was like uhh...and then i like walked over to another car a few down from mine and he followed me...
i dont even really remember what all i said...he was like i didnt really expect THIS...for you to come...and i was like well i needed to see you...to have you tell me to my face that this is what you want...cuz it just doesnt feel real...and he was like well, this is what i want...and its as real as real can be...ive been thinking about it...and i dont know what else he really said...its like a blur...
he kept sayin he was sorry...sorry...why would he be sorry...if this is what he wants...if this is what will make him happy...then why is he sorry???
after like 5 minutes he was like well what do you want me to do...and i was like nothing...just go...and he like just stood there and i was like GO...you want to walk away, so just walk away then...and he just looked at me some more...with that stupid, stupid, meaningless look...i could have slapped him...i was like just go josh...and then hes like fine...and i was like i have some of your stuff in my car and he was like thats okay and i was like what and hes like you can keep it and i was like i dont WANT it...and he was like well then just give it to terrance...and he walked away...
i could have died...oh my god...seriously, this is like the worst i have ever hurt...
eight months people...eight months...and he just doesnt care about me anymore...he looked at me like i was nothing...nothing to him anymore at all...it hurt...how can he just let everything we had go just like that???
ashlee told me that when i was talking to him that kevin and kyle said that hed been planning on doing it for a long time...like weeks...maybe a month...he told them that he had tried to before but it just didnt work...and that he really was gunna on saturday, but he couldnt find the words...couldnt find what words??? i dont love you, i never did, and i dont want anything to do with you anymore???
saturday he acted like everything was FINE...if he was gunna break up with me then why the fuck did he take me to a party where all his friends were??? and why did he fool around with me??? hes such an ass...i cant believe it...he totally USED me...if not just saturday, then for the last however many weeks hes told his friends he was going to...
last night was the worst...ive never seen him be like that...like he didnt care about me at all...like...i dont know...he was so COLD...he treated me like a nobody...its like hes not the same person that i talked to every night, went out with every weekend, had sex with, loved completely, and have been with for the last eight months...
im scared...i dont know of what, but im scared...
i got home and told mom what all happened...made me feel better...then i went to my room and put everything of his that i had and everything that hes ever given me in a box...the memories of the only guy ive ever loved fit in one box...
i wanna burn it...or give it back to him one by one...but that other part of me that still loves him wants to put everything back out where it was...wear his teeshirt to bed...listen to that cd he made me when we were first together...snuggle with the teddy bear he gave me for valentines day...wear my necklace i got for my birthday...
it hurts...
ashlee said today that she called kelly and that jordan told her that josh had been flirting with holly for a long time...
holly.
holly, ms chubs, ms tree-trunk legs...the short ugly BITCH who hes been telling me he hates...
i hope theyre babies have tails...
i wanna like ask him to have sex with me one last time...then cut off his dick right when hes gunna blow it...
i want to take aaron to homecoming...and have him take me to his...just to get back at him...you know what they say--revenge is sweet...
ashlee made me a list of homecoming possiblities...it was pretty good...but it sux ass that he did this a month before homecoming when like virtually EVERYONE has a date...if i dont, im so not going...or if worse comes to worse i can go with brock...or ask josh to come and then just like make out with all these guys...itd be great...
i feel so alone...i dont want to be alone...i want to be with him...well i guess not him, just somebody...i cant really imagine myself with someone other than him...telling other guys the type of things i told him...having sex with them...just doing the things i did with him...i cant even think of anything being even close to how it was before...i dont think that i can ever trust anyone like i did him...he totally betrayed me...he totally disrespected me...how could someone do that? he USED me and then just disposed of me...how can i ever love anyone else after what happened??? he was my first...he was like my one...im not saying that we were gunna get married, but i dont see how everything is just gone now...
i hurt so bad inside...
i cant believe he chose HOLLY over me...HOLLY...shes so...i dont know...how can he supposedly love ME and then just decide that he wants HER...we such opposites...maybe the whole long distance was just getting old...maybe i was...maybe shes just more convienient...
no matter what i will never put myself in this position again...
so...now who should i take to homecoming? a st-f guy? h-town hottie? ryan k? spencer l? kyle k? annas friend cade? aaron? i dont know...but it WOULD be AWESOME to just like totally hook up with aaron and like fuck him and go to my homecoming with him and then fuck him some more and go to his homecoming...just to see the look on joshs face...aarons cute, i guess...and there has to be SOMETHING there for britnie to have stayed with him for so long...i dont have his number though...maybe i could make up with kelly and have her ask jordan for it...then i could just call him up outta the blue and ask if he wanted to do something...itd be SOOOO SWEET...
in journalism today jula and me got on msn and like i changed my password cuz he knew it...i logged onto his and he didnt change his password...and he didnt block me...or delete my emails to him...i did something stupid...i changed his name to i(l)meghan...i know i shouldnt have, but i want him to feel guilty...sad...regret...anything other than happy about what he did...
i wonder if hell call me...he said that he would on monday night...he said in a few days...a few days being less than a week...but he sorta made everything clear last night...that he just doesnt want me anymore...you know what he told me monday??? that i was a great girl, but it just didnt feel like i was for him anymore...how low can you get??? i would have rather had an "its not you, its me..." but no, total asshole...whatever...
i cry over him all the time...one minute im depressed as hell...looking at his picture...smelling his shirts...thinking about him...loving him...hoping and praying that hell come back to me...the next minute i hate him...i want him to die...i wanna cut off his dick...i want him to call me and BEG for me to come back and then just laugh...
i could never do that though...i do hope that he calls me...itd make me not feel so crappy...
he doesnt want us to be "enemies" thats what he said last night...when i asked him if that was it, if him and me would never be anything like we were before...nothing more than...than nothing...he said he didnt say that...that we wouldnt be like that, that we could just never be like we were before, nothing as serious...
ow, right??
he was acting like...i dont know...i feel like i never knew him...ive never seen him be like that before...to ANYONE, EVER...he was always so...nice around me, his friends...sure he could be an ass sometimes, but he was never so COLD...its like his whole being has changed...
should i sent this to him???
***I’m lost in my own mind looking for things I cant find. My thoughts all fall apart and I’m left here with a broken heart. I wish you could feel the way I feel, then maybe you’d see why my wounds won’t heal. I could lie here for days and still never understand you, why’d I’d even try is just a pointless thing to do. You’re actions and words hurt me so bad. You make me wish for those things I can no longer have. I thought i saw love in you’re eyes, but now i know it was all lies.***
i want to keep loving him...but another wants to just forget it all...but i cant just FORGET...he was such an important part of my life...for so long...i loved him in a way ive never loved anyone before...he was my first...and that can never change...no one else will ever be like him...and thats weird...
im gunna go eat--i havent had anything since lunch yesterday...
megz
